DAY 365: August 17th 2012
I have posted 365 photos. I have poured my heart into 365 blogs, in hopes to learn something about myself… In an exciting, passionate, hurtful, and exposing year of my life, I have been able to share so much with those who care to read. I have lost so much, and gained even more. I have shared with others my lessons learned, I have laughed, cried, made friends, left too many typo’s in my blog ;) I have fallen in love, and learned to love myself in the process of not holding onto unnecessary bagage.
I started this blog with a letter to Jonah, a little boy who’s life was taken by brain cancer on August 18th, of last year. An angel who will always be remembered as the precious, innocent and beautiful little boy he was… He has been dancing with Jesus everyday, and will continue to for all of eternity. An amazing child who suffered, and endured things children never should. Jonah Navarro, and his family weigh so heavy on my heart this morning as I watched this beautiful sunrise… I praise you God, I thank you for my life, I am so grateful for my family, my loved ones and for all that I have been given, and for all of the things I have learned.
I read the blogs of Jonah’s mother, and I admired her strength as she watched her baby boy slowly lose his life on earth… something a parent should never have to do. I enjoyed reading her writing’s and it inspired me to be vulnerable too. It encouraged me to start my own blog in hopes to share the way I see life others around me, known or unknown. The possibility to change someone’s life and challenge someones heart the way that she changed my life and influenced my heart, overwhelmed me and to be honest almost scared me.
With this past year weighing my heart down, and with the Navarro family on my heart as they are about to face the 1 year mark of the loss of their beloved son, brother, friend and family member… I sit here so emotional, and overwhelmed. I can’t be thankful enough to them for inspiring me to start this blog, and I can’t help but praise God for his abundant love, and for teaching us so much, even when we don’t understand why.
Keep your eyes open, rest in the arms of the Lord, and be open to growth. Know that there is always something to learn, and pay attention to life because it goes too quickly, and you never know what you are called to do next. Thank you to everyone who has read my blogs, and shared this journey with me. It is not over yet, my art is passionate, my love for life is growing rapidly, and I am so excited to continue expressing myself and allowing my heart to wander in the peace art brings me. This is just the beginning of something more, something so much bigger than me. Hug those you love, and remind them every single how much you love them. Be blessed, happiness is a choice.
Day 364: August 16th 2012
While sitting at a red light on PCH and Topanga this morning, I looked left to see a bum I used to sip coffee and play board games with. I had to smile at the sight of him since its been years since I’ve seen him, and I always wonder how he is. He was panhandling on the corner near an abandoned gas station. He held a cardboard sign that read “wanted: adventure, a beautiful woman, and something real.” How cool. Just as the light turned green he noticed me, flashed a peace sign, and flipped his sign over, for me to see it now read “SMILE DAMMIT!” I started laughing and threw him a hang loose… These are the most beautiful people, these are the people who have impacted me the most in life, the ones who have influenced my passions and inspired my arts in the most positive ways I know. I am so grateful.
Day 363: August 15th 2012
Clear my clouds.
I think clouds are absolutely, hands down, one of the most beautiful things we have. I find myself looking up, and walking tall in the hopes to keep my head up high with these gorgeous things. Life so precious… we tend to forget what we have so often, and its so hurtful.
Day 362: August 14th 2012
I treasure myself, I enjoy being with myself. I anticipate being alone, I love when I can sit and get involved with my mind, and listen to the things in my mind I have suppressed over time. I have been torn apart from myself before, and lately I have found it so important to seclude myself in the views above, and ask myself, define myself, and remember all the things I truly love…
Day 361: August 13th 2012
Hot sand on toes.
Every time I hear this stuff I think of you, I think of what I put myself through, I think of how surely I thought I would make it. I carried around so much, I felt for you more than anyone. I guess I was just an island of chaos, and though I envisioned myself in the comfort of selflessness, I never thought it possible to be happy. Perhaps you were the ocean, while I was just a stone. I rid myself of vanity, I decided if I was to let you go, I would never want to pass you by. I am cleaning everything out, I am keeping everything at bay, and begging to not feel pain for you anymore. I am asking so politely that I never have to feel guilty for your hurt again. I just want to be released. BURIED BURDENS.
Day 360: August 12th 2012
I have been in Palm Springs for the last 24 hours, enjoying temps between 95-115. The sun is hot, the babes are out, the pool is cool, and the beers are delish. I am loving this summer so much. This is my photo of the day, a shot of the pool area, and all the colors of the hotel.
Day 359: August 11th 2012
Riddlers waiting line.
Name calling, ironic sleeping situations, up early, OJ and sour patch kids, Pacific Coast HWY, witty text messages, drinking a beer in the grocery store parking lot, ice chest, music, stories of old insane women, ‘happy’ thoughts, Morongo casino, Palm Springs, 111 degrees, checking into the hotel, bikini’s, so much laughter, beer beer beer, sandwich picnic party on the carpet, bonding, loved ones, pool parties, loud bass, so many colors, happiness, and expression. 2012.
Day 358: August 10th 2012
A random little photoshoot on Westward today as I got to work on a project with the beautiful Christina Cimorelli, and her boyfriend Nick Reali. They came with a bit of a vision, and we ended up with some amazing shots. This is just one of many, and I am so happy to share it as a teaser with you all. Headed off to see OnwardUpward now. Peace, love, blessings.
Day 357: August 9th 2012
When I was younger, maybe just by a few years, I always envisioned my best friend and I in this one specific loft. I remember vividly us designing it in our imagination. We had plans of who would come over, who would sip warm coors light with us, and how cool our random thrift store findings would be. We had the layout of the loft so strategically designed, and we were certain that someday we would find this loft, and we would have no choice but to get it and begin our lives together as best friends in the fantasy we had as young teens. Nowadays myself, and said best friend aren’t as close, but I am sure in our hearts we still have this connection. And this story fits so perfectly with this image, because one day while I was driving up the PCH I looked to my right at this apartment complex, and from where my car was and the view I had of the complex, there I saw our loft… It awaits us.
Day 356: August 8th 2012
Giving me away.
I am sitting here, in a dress… Pumping Red Hot Chili Peppers into my ears. Venice Queen. What a beautiful life I have. I am so overwhelmed, I am emotional, hurt, confused, in love, hopeful, happy, at peace and a dash of stressed. I have to go find myself… I have no idea what is next, all I know is I need some reassurance and appreciation from life, in exchange for all I give to it. I strive to be a person who gives to life, what I hope it to give back to me. So with that said; “I see you standing by the see, the waves you made will always be… A kiss goodbye forever you leave.”
Day 355: August 7th 2012
Just for a quick second, I want to share a photo of this sweet little (big!?) bird I made friends with. I think he is precious. I am a basket case of angry emotions right now. I have a thousand questions that might not ever be worth asking, therefore this blog is short and not too sweet. Sorry readers.
Day 354: August 6th 2012
Memory of your face.
Oh, the way you loved me… You didn’t seem to do so well when you tried to love me long term, and though you will always love me more than you thought possible before, you never really knew how to balance out the right from wrong. Sometimes you loved me so beautifully, and other times you taught me the most brutal and horrific love a person shouldn’t see. Telling me you would die for me, telling me that you love me more than anything in the world, and telling me that you would be or do anything just to have me, and love me, but then being the source of my never ending pain is a love that I will never really understand, and unfortunately hinders me from accepting real love from another person capable of loving me correctly. You tormented the gentle spirit that walked by your side, you abused the gifts that were given to you, but most selfishly you left me alone to fend for myself when I was too weak from fending for you. I still ache over the way this is, I still shutter in fear over certain things, and when I am surrounded by places that I spent hours bringing you back to life. You took something broken, I took something beautiful and pure, and together we crushed ourselves and cursed each other into dirty, beaten and catastrophic pieces of trash. I am rebuilding myself, I am learning to not push away the few good things I have left… and I am just trying to forget all about the things that happened, I am trying to recall the times I was too messed up to remember… I am trying to get over the things I should have never seen, doing my best to stay out of places I should have never been… But mostly I am trying to set fire to the concerned look you used to give me… I would look down at you, your eyes so full of lies, so full of beautiful love, and so full of the missing pieces… I remember this face, its etched forever in my mind, so much so it makes me sick… You would stare at me, and grab my face, your thumb would push my lips. You would take away what was left of me that day, and attempt to tear down my walls. I loved you.
Every night as I fall asleep I shutter in pain for you, I feel the stabs of a thousand needles a few long seconds. I ache. What happened. I awake. I sleep. Goodnight.
Day 353: August 5th 2012
Please meet Marley, he is our golden retriever. He is a precious boy, who has remained a pleasant and loving throughout all of the chaos and commotion over the years. He is just beautiful, and today I want to share him with you.
Day 352: August 4th 2012
Out photographing my favorite surfers again today. I cannot get enough of this! Walking up and down the beach, over and over again… Making new friends with both cool surfer dudes, and flirty birds. I am so content here… It’s like its where I belong. Without a doubt, it’s been a good day.
Day 351: August 3rd 2012
Let’s go, giving in, ATM stops, Sailor Jerry, friends, loud music, new friends, cuddles, giant moon, traffic, head aches, casino, players club, talking to strangers, waiting, penguins, haunted mansions, carnival’s in ‘rio’, laughter, waiting by the door, falling asleep… Worth it.